And now, a word from your parents

Mom: Kids, we know you have noticed your father and I have been pretty quiet the past few days.
Dad: The company’s two most profitable divisions are being relocated to the southeast.
Mom: It caught the CEO by surprise.
Dad: Let me tell you about something called “activist investors.” They are looking for ways to get the most profit for themselves, even if it’s not good for the company overall. Remember how Conagra got carved up and Cabela’s isn’t its own company anymore?
Mom: We are going to do the best we can to hold on to the current contract, but after that, we don’t know what will happen.
Dad: I know we just built a new deck, but we’re going to have to put the basement renovations on hold.
Mom: We might end up living in the basement.
Dad: My friends are in the same boat, and we can’t relocate.
Mom: I’m sure you’re wondering if I’ve talked to my sister about it. But she’s a doctor who married a lawyer, and the family over there … they’re not fond of us. They’re more tolerant of Guido from the Jersey Shore and the cousin who wears outrageous outfits and sprinkles Old Bay on everything.
Dad: They aren’t as enamored with farmers and small towns as we are. She might even decide she’s above coming here every other year for family activities.
Mom: But Dad and I and you kids, we’re still a family, and that’s what’s important.
Dad: Even if the neighborhood changes.
Mom: Remember when we went to Disney World a couple years ago? And we ran into some people who said they would absolutely love to be our neighbors? Practically insisted on it?
Dad: Who said we don’t deserve what we have?
Mom [sighing deeply]: There’s a chance they’re going to get what they want.
Dad [sighing deeply]: I’ll talk to Ann Arbor about selling my Campbell’s stock. She’ll love it.
Mom and Dad: [gaze into abyss]
Abyss [in disembodied voice that sounds slightly like Beth Mowins]: “Welcome to the first conference matchup between Iowa State and Cincinnati …”