Iowa Highway Ends (etc.)

The largest body of water in Grundy County is an artificial lake by Dike that’s less than 20 years old. (2014 USDA photo)

By now you may have seen the Washington Post’s clickable map of a USDA database called the “natural amenities index.”

The index combines “six measures of climate, topography, and water area that reflect environmental qualities most people prefer.” Those qualities, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, include mild, sunny winters, temperate summers, low humidity, topographic variation, and access to a body of water.

By these metrics, the entire state of Iowa is “below average,” with a giant swath of below-average essentially consuming the Northern Plains and old Northwest Territory. And there, sitting in the middle of the darker part of the swath, is Grundy County, ranked 3100th out of 3111. (Allamakee is the only Iowa county to crack the top 2000, at 1649. Tama is 2975.) Taking a closer look at those amenities:

• Mild, sunny winters — LOLno.
• Temperate summers and low humidity — LOLno, again.
• Topographic variation — (looks down, shuffles nervously)
• Access to body of water — see top.

The obvious defense is to say that it all depends on what you value. Grundy County objectively had THE most fertile soil in Iowa until a recent recalculation of the ratings dropped it to a close third. If you can’t understand the majesty of the “golden hour” evening sun spreading across a tranquil rural landscape, I can’t help you.

Of the 11 counties ranked worse than Grundy, most are clustered along/near the Red River of the North in North Dakota and Minnesota — residents of last-place Red Lake County mounted a spirited defense to the Post — and I passed through them in 2007. I guess that means I’m well acquainted with the worst areas of “natural amenities” of the country. I’ll still take them over the humid swamps of the South or arid expanses of the West. (But I admit my defense may be a bit less spirited when it’s 5 degrees with a blizzard raging outside.)

EDIT: Corrected name of Minnesota county, the same one the Post got an earful over. Sorry!

“It’s a cow made of butter. Use your imagination.”

The Washington Post’s Philip Bump took the day after a whirlwind of presidential candidate stops at the Iowa State Fair and spent Sunday being a regular fairgoer and making a photo essay about all the things and people you see at the fair that aren’t surrounded by reporters and boom mikes. Corn ogling is involved.*

It looks like the candidates appear to have taken my advice and went for the pork chop on a stick instead of a corn dog. Notice, also, that said item is now seven dollars, a price increase effective last year, after seven years at $6. Internet evidence of the previous increase is clear in comparing a 2006 blog post with a 2007 YouTube clip. As for the cattlemen (who may be feeling a bit left out), their two top items — prime rib dinner and hot beef sundae — are up 40% ($13 to $18) and 25% ($6 to $7.50) since 2008.

*The Corn Oglers would be a good name for a bluegrass band.

It’s the odd-numbered year before a presidential election, which means candidates of all stripes will be descending upon Des Moines’ east side to appear at the Iowa State Fair. As an Iowa State Fair lover and politics junkie, I have a friendly bit of advice: If you are a presidential candidate, do not eat a corn dog.

You will not look dignified while eating a corn dog. Your photo will be added to Gawker galleries of politicians looking unpresidential while eating corn dogs. Sit down at the Beef Quarters or Pork Tent and eat a hot beef sundae or pork dinner. If you don’t want to sit, grab a ribeye sandwich or pork chop on a stick (or both if you’re as diplomatic as Mike Pearson). Drink some lemonade. Have a turkey leg. On second thought, maybe don’t, even if it’s to show solidarity in Iowa’s recovery from bird flu, because being photographed with a turkey leg has its own drawbacks. Have a Rice Krispie bar on a stick Fair Square. Have a grinder. Have some cheese curds (unless you’re Scott Walker and need to avoid offending Wisconsin’s cows).

There are many, many fine Iowa State Fair foods you can partake of while making your case to be our next president. A corn dog just isn’t one of them.